Gage recently celebrating his 4th Birthday (although his actual Birthday isn't until tomorrow, which he hasn't been able to wrap his mind around) has inspired me. It's honestly a little hard to wrap my mind around his being 4! It's all going by too fast!
To be clear, I no longer feel like he was a baby yesterday. That really does feel lightyears away. Especially those first weeks of motherhood that I was SO not prepared for. The exhaustion, the seclusion. I went back to work at 5 weeks just to have a break and some human interaction. And, whatever you do to describe me during those first weeks, don't put a label on it. I can't stand that. I especially hate the "baby blues." It's not that because he didn't cause it. (Of course, he also isn't the sole cause of my love handles and cellulite but I gladly pin all of that on him.)
I am now to the point where I look at his baby pictures and can't believe how little and very, very round he was! I play with other babies, and sometimes have forgotten how. But Gage is not going to stop growing anytime soon and it's made me realize that one day, he will be different. He won't want to snuggle anymore. He won't need kisses and hugs for his boo boos. He won't need me to take care of him at all. Which is exactly where I want him to be in time, but it's already breaking my heart that all of our hard parenting work ultimately prepares them to leave us. I often wish I could just freeze time now. Now that he's potty trained and a good deal independent, but still needs us to take most care of him. Now that he's still my baby.
I know, it's a lot to worry about when he's just turned 4. He'll be dependent on us for a while. But every time he celebrates another birthday it's a bittersweet reminder that he won't be this close forever. All I can really hope is that when he finally leaves us, we did a good enough job that he will succeed. But it can be a tough parenting goal.
The one thing this realization has prepared me for is to completely absorb myself in every stage of my next baby. Not that I wasn't with Gage, but I was always looking forward to the next thing and the stuff in the middle kind of got lost. From now on, I can't wait to live in the moment.
